Fighting Against the Wind

Hey hey hey.

So...

What would a blog post from me be without beginning with an invocation to the muse of apology?

I'm sorry for not writing, for building up a teensy tiny following and then dropping whomever actually read this like you're hot, and for completely abandoning this field. I was blogging all summer for Camp Phillip, and then as summer drew to a close I left Camp in a screaming whirl to come directly back to MLC. The semester has been in high-tilt full speed since then. I've been left with barely time to sleep, much less to think flexibly enough to pull my brain away from mile splits and book reviews to consider the dense complexity of feeling and idea swirling about me. Basically, I have been too busy to get my own thoughts straight for myself in daily life, and didn't want to pose anything here that hadn't been thought through. No one wants to listen to an idiot's rambly patterings about thoughts as empty as a soap bubble.

However, today I had this meaningful moment of clarity while on a run with BH - a moment worth sharing, I think.

As we left the city limits of New Ulm in our dust, I had this weirdly calm epiphany set to music of the regular "slap, slap, slap" tempo of our feet on the pavement accompanied by the twirling orchestra of a cacophony of leaves.It was a blustery day a la Winne the Pooh, (you've all seen that episode, I'm sure of it...) and the first half of our run was straight into the wind. We were heading down Garden street - arguably the straightest street in New Ulm - so the wind was going to full-blown in our faces for exactly half the run. The whole team had been kind of hurting since a tough hill workout on Monday, and so trying to get limber when there were 5 miles, straight wind, and a load like bricks on my mind was no small mental feat today. You know those weeks when it's like the "terrible, horrible, no good, all bad day" - for 7 days in a row? Even though it's homecoming week here at MLC, which is always fun, I've been identifying with Hot Chelle Rae's first line more and more as this week has worn on. The fact that it was Thursday and there were still seemingly insurmountable things to do before the long-awaited weekend would get here was just. Plain. Frustrating.



We ran. We ran. I have come to love running (thanks to being in cross country this year,) not only for the physical high of knowing you're young and actually can push your body to do things you thought were impossible, but for the time it gives you to order your thoughts. Life becomes this tangled, scary web sometimes, but running eventually makes you break free. It's an exercise on more than one level, and today as we drafted and leaned into the rush, eventually the load I was carrying lightened.

Thunk.

The gusts got bigger. As we passed the cemetery, there was one huge burst of air that almost counteracted our momentum, and we all laughed and yelled into the wind. The force was such that I screamed and could hear nothing but the wind roaring in my ears; it stole my sound downwind.

We ran. We ran. The group was spreading out like it always does. It was just BH and I.

We ran. We ran. And then, WHOOSH - a gust bigger than the one before. This time we were on our way up an incline, and with all that wind I felt helpless. I was working so hard and going absolutely nowhere. I was so frustrated it was almost comical, so we hollered to high heaven and I punched the air. Was it going to help? Was the taunting wind going to be hurt by my feeble jabs? Was I going to go any faster because of it? Could I catch the wind with my hands, force it to sit in front of me like a naughty schoolboy, and tell it to knock off this bad behavior? No no no no no. In the boxing match of Katie vs. Wind, I lost before the starting bell had finished ringing. There's no use punching wind.

We kept moving our feet up and down, up and down, when blessedly, the highway ducked into shade and finally bent -BAM! Around the corner - sunshine. Stillness. We looked at each other, and with a little "whoop!" of delight we flew the last few meters to our turnaround - I've rarely been so happy to see the backside of a "No Passing Zone" sign. We ran up to it grinning. I hit it.

"If I came all this way I'm gonna SMACK that sign!"

BH smiled. "Well, at least do it properly!" She waded into the high grass at the base (the sign itself was like 7 feet off the ground), jumped, and slapped that sign til it rang, wobbily.

Aside from the wind, the run today was not hard. We ran pretty slow. There have been much more taxing workouts. But I can tell you I rarely felt as fulfilled as I did listening to the drummy thwacking of that sign today.

Thunk.

I realized that I am guilty of thinking that punching at the wind is doing something. I've been going uphill on sore quads, trusting myself enough to think I can do it all on my own. I can do my homework by myself. I don't need a partner to run with. I can work, have a social life, pursue dreams and hobbies singlehandedly. I can deal with past hurt. I can bear my own guilt. I can get my own forgiveness. I can find my own way. I can make my own, convenient truth. I can deal with my desires and get what I want just fine, thanks. When troubles rush like wind, I can handle it. I'm Katie. I'm tough. I'll punch it all. I'll conquer. Bring it, wind. I'm ready.

Really?

Because anything done by myself is punching wind.

Totally useless.

I always self-righteously guffawed when, in a Sunday School lesson, the foolhardy children of Israel "forgot" about God, "did evil in the eyes of the LORD," and got punished for worshiping some idol or another. I snorted in laughter - "How could they FORGET? Why do they keep on falling away? Do they not remember what God did for them? He PARTED THE RED SEA, people! Duh!" Giggling, giggling. I would never be so foolish. Pish.

Really?

Because I'm a daughter of Israel. I'm a child of the Promise. And every single day, I forget.

I forget that "The LORD is a warrior; the LORD is His name" (Exodus 15:3). I forget that "He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze" (Psalm 18:34). I forget that I am in love with the God-Man who forfeited a place more perfect than I can imagine to come down to earth so I could stab His hands to a tree and cackle as His blood stained the sand. So that He could face the fire and brimstone of hell to save me from wormily rotting, loveless, for an eternity. He came so that He could rise again. So that He could delight in me, live with me forever, keep me as a precious, cherished bride. I forget that. I forget that, when I have seen Him part the Red Sea in my life, answer my prayers, show me His power day in and day out? "Duhhhhhh."

Life roars cruelly in all of our ears. It's part of sinful life on earth; we're all up against a force that I realize daily is more dynamically evil that I used to comprehend. It's depressing when you find out the innocent world you believed in for so long is fraught with frightening shadows where sureity used to slumber. Doubt drowns us. Hurt crushes. A year goes by, and you find yourself in a place that on September 30th, 2010, you never thought in a million years was possible. You scream, but no one seems to hear. And temptation either violently fights you full in the face, or sidles up to you in moments of vulnerability, caresses you in its irresistible hands, and seduces you like a frog in a pot.

We punch and punch, but we'll never get away. The only thing we can do is place our FAITH in Christ. All we need is to trust that He's our bend in the road, that He's our relief. Though we forget He's running with us every step of the way, the Author doesn't forget about you. Did you hear that? Every footstep. All we can do when the wind is roaring is run to the cross, gleaming like your silver turnaround, and lay our heavy load of bricks at the base - but He's there with open arms. He'll take it. He forgives you. Every. Single. Time.

Thunkthunkthunkthunkthunkthunkthunk... THUNK!

Don't fight against wind. Trust in the one who has power over the wind and waves, both literally and figuratively (Mark 4:41). He loves you. If you feel awful, unlovable, beaten, weary, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad - He loves you. When you feel like your work is worth nothing, He loves you. He gives your life meaning. We sin every day, and He loves us. He has plans for you. He protects you. He bridles the wind.

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?" - Psalm 13:2

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14

When we turned around and the wind was at our backs, we flew back to school much faster than we ran out there. Not only physically were we lighter, but mentally and spiritually, I was lighter as well. As we closed in on the last two blocks, without saying a word, we both picked up our pace. We ran. Nope, we sprinted.

Drop those bricks. Stop fighting the wind. Be still, and trust the Warrior who loves you to death and hell and back.

Thunk! :)

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. The will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40:28-31